if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
