In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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