The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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