Sponge bath it is.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
