u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
