I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
