the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
