fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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