Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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