i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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