Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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