I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
