Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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