booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No...this little piggys going to the bar
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
