My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
