we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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