It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I looked at my own cervix.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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