Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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