I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
