i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
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searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.