I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.