Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?