stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
