i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
