I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
