Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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