she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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