He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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