it was like his penis was on wheels.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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