I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think my moral compass just broke
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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