Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
