I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
