So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
