can we get nightvision for the apartment?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
