You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
