someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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