I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
