she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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