I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
