I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
