I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
