Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
