Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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