I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
