Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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