Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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