chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
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