what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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