Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
