What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize