you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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