In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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