overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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