just come out here and I will go home with you...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
