i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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