either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
