U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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