Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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