i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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