Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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