I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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