you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
