Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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