Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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