Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
no, he came in my armpit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
